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Creationists: Still Dumb Like Rocks

« June 2015 »

Memo to creationists: YOU'RE STILL DUMB, YOU KNOW.

With the exception of presidential hopefuls like Scott Walker trying to punt on questions about evolution so as not to piss them off, creationists are still not a political force in America, thank fuck. They still exist, though, and every once in a while it's important to remind ourselves of the fact that lots of people still think the earth is 6,000 years old, and most of them still think the government should be teaching that as fact.

Case in point, West Virginia resident Kenneth Smith, who is acting as his own lawyer in support of the National Prove Aphorisms True movement. He is suing pretty much every education official from the state to the federal level because his daughter got taught evolution. But why read my description of his lawsuit when this excerpt from it is much, much funnier?

"Their actions during the 2014-2015 school year affects my child’s future directly through the state grading system to enter college and the ability to earn economic security and a good job in her chosen veterinarian medical field of work, by being taught a faith base (evolutionary ideology) that just doesn’t exist and has no math to back it."

It's a miracle that whoever Kenneth Smith asked to turn on the magic typing box and type up his lawsuit for him got to the end without dying of laughter. I know I didn't get through that paragraph without at least wounding myself, and I knew going in the bitterly ironic fact that the daughter in question wants to be an animal doctor. I mean, certainly, if Ben Carson can be a neurosurgeon, this little baby young earth creationist can stick thermometers up cat's asses or whatever, but learning about evolution won't keep her from doing that. Getting a bunch of F's in high school biology because you're yelling "JESUS RODE DINOSAURS" at the teacher every day might, though. I bet that's at the root of the problem.

Honestly, it's frequently surprising to me the things young earth creationists can do, from tying their own shoes, to filing lawsuits, to operating heavy machinery. Like an excavator. Like the one a Canadian creationist was using when he stumbled across some 60-million-year-old fish fossils.

If you're wondering if this discovery awoke a newfound skepticism about his core belief systems, and a realization that the scientific method is a wonderful, reliable way to look at the world, please recheck the URL of the website, because it's not the one you think you're on. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"No, it hasn’t changed my mind. We all have the same evidence, and it’s just a matter of how you interpret it. There’s no dates stamped on these things."

In this world, there are things we can't leave up to individual interpretation because, well, we need them to work. Your particular individual interpretation of how strong a wooden beam is doesn't matter when an engineer runs the numbers and decides whether or not it'll hold your fucking house up. If science worked based on the individual interpretation of evidence, Stephen Hawking would be living in his own city-country, surrounded by gold and pedophiles and wearing a very large hat.

Also, not to individually interpret your evidence or anything, but artists sign their work, journalists make sure to get bylines for what they wrote, and a guy whose only job it is is to make sure The Hulk's eyebrows are realistically fluffy has his name scroll past your eyeballs while you wait to see if there's going to be an Amazing Spider-Ham cameo after the movie. But your oh-so great "intelligent designer" didn't think to stamp dates on these things? Seems sloppy to me.

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