Spastic Topic Monkey Friday

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If The Canadians Want Another Go, I’m OK With That

« June 2018 »

Memo to Donald Trump, Scott Pruitt, and Dipshits: YOU ARE DUMB.

Much like The Predators in the trailer for The Predator, I’ve come to this planet and started hybridizing. One quote and two short bits of stupidity in IDIOTS SAY THE SPASTIC TOPIC THINGS ON A DAY BETWEEN WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY!!

”Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?” - Donald Trump, answering the question of how Canada could be a national security threat, at the G7 Summit.

The most important thing about this statement from Trump is that someone on his staff must have fed him this line, because there’s no fucking way Trump knows anything about the War of 1812. Because, and you may have noticed this, Donald Trump is very, very stupid. So someone on his staff decided that this would be a great riposte for Trump, who slapped tariffs on Canada and our other allies due to “national security” concerns, which, more than ever before, is synonymous with “because the president wants to”.

And yes, technically, Canadians didn’t burn down the White House, the British did, since Canada wouldn’t even be a country for another 12 decades or so. But again, that’s not a Trump mistake. It’s too refined. That’s definitely some dipshit jingoist on his staff who had to go back over 200 years to find something objectionable anyone north of the border did to America. They’re such fucking hacks I’m surprised they didn’t go with a Celine Dion dig.

Like dumb shit out of Donald Trump’s mouth, choosing one Scott Pruitt scandal to focus on is startlingly difficult until he makes it incredibly easy. And so it was that e-mails revealed that Scott Pruitt tried to use his influence as the head of the EPA to try to get his wife, wait for it.... wait for it... a Chik-Fil-A franchise.

I mean, come on. I know this administration is immune to the very concept of unintentional self-parody, but come on. The most heteronormative chicken in America? Chicken more churchy than Church’s Chicken? And then, after all that, they didn’t even bother filling out the application. Maybe they told her that Chik-Fil-A managers don’t get bulletproof motorcades, Cones of Silence, and chicken franchises for their relatives.

And finally, a short list of shit you don’t want to find yourself defending online. If you’re defending Star Wars nerds for attacking Kelly Marie Tran, something’s gone horribly wrong with your life and you should probably re-examine some shit. I really don’t get the mindset at all where not only do you have to be mean to someone, you have to make sure they see it. I’ve spent fourteen years being mean to people I think deserve it on the Internet, and not once have I e-mailed them a copy of the article or tagged them on Twitter or anything. That’s just being a dick. But hey, you’re already mad at Star Wars because it has browns and wimmenses in it, so you can’t really do something else to “make” you a dick, can you?

If you’re defending Trump in his latest sort of fake sort of real spat with the Philadelphia Eagles, you don’t realliy need to re-examine anything in your life, because you’re the kind of person who would do that and that’s why we have a President who no self-respecting championship athlete would want to meet. At this point, the debate around pro athlete protests has devolved to the point where Trump can point at any group of black men in helmets and convince his followers they knelt for the anthem and then Fox News will find footage of them praying and pretend it’s footage of them protesting the anthem oh wait that last thing was a thing that actually happened. Fun!

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