Looking Forward

« January 2008 »

Memo to 2008: YOU WILL BE DUMB.

I have to say, if I were going to decide to hang up my hate hat and end this grand experiment in the mocking of our collective notsobrightitude, now would be the perfect fucking time to do it. For my sake, anyway, if not for yours.

The very first year of YAD was a presidential election year, and between the inevitable stupidity, the non-stop media coverage, and the incomprehenibly disappointing result, the whole thing was not what I would call 100% pure adrenaline.

This year is going to be utterly dominated by the election, from the Iowa caucuses in two days to the pre-inauguration hoopla around New Year's 2009. It'll be eleven solid months of watching the Democrats, in constant fear that they will find a way to fuck up what is the closest to a sure thing we're likely to see in politics. The reward for which will be a chance to cast my vote for Hillary Clinton, an act which, as I've said in the past, just may lead to a fatal Election Day aneurysm.

And it'll be eleven months of watching the Republicans, in what is not so much a primary process as it is a series of back-room dares about who can get away with saying the craziest shit. A process, by the way, that Tom Tancredo didn't think he was strong enough for, despite his insistence that everyone around him was an illegal Mexican immigrant.

But Tancredo couldn't compete. The first caucus hasn't even started yet, and in just the past week, we've had Mike Huckabee warning us that the Bhutto assassination would lead to an influx of Pakistani illegal immigrants carrying shoulder-mounted missile launchers across the Mexican border. And you've had a (now former) Guiliani campaign manager tell us we need to drive all the Muslims back into their caves. Hell, just yesterday, Huckabee closed out the year with a bang - a press conference where he showed everyone in the press the full version of the attack ad he was REFUSING TO RUN against Romney, answering the question "what would it take at this point to insult the media's intelligence?"

At this rate, by May, Mitt Romney is going to be dismantling abortion clinics with his teeth, John McCain will announce his plans to open a chain of safe, family-friendly Baghdad-style street markets , and Fred Thompson will open his eyes and remember he's running for President.

It's going to be an epic slog, a Bataan Death March of comedy. A Trail of Tears with dick jokes. But hey, Larry The Cable Guy has another movie in the can. It's called, get this: "Witless Protection". I don't think Hollywood needs to worry about BitTorrent when they're putting out movies you can imagine, in their entirety, based just on the star and the title.

Still, I must look on the bright side. Pakistan is now a destabilized nuclear power - that's always good for a few laughs. Jamie Lynn Spears will have her baby, so that means I can top off my apathy tank for free sometime around the summer. And Ron Paul still has fans, so no comment thread on the Internet will ever be safe again. There. That's more like it. Let's just hope I can flip off 2008 for 365 straight days without a cramp.