How Far-Left Are Your Roots (Part Two)

« December 2007 »

Memo to the Leadership Institute: LIGHTNING ROUND TIME!

Not really. But when we ran out of time yesterday, our contestant, me, had scored a mere nine points out of a possible seventeen beliefs of the left, as recounted by the Leadership Institute in their documentary, "The Roots Of The Hard Left". Will I sprint to a glorious socialist finish, or will I peter out like the last dreary year of a five-year plan? Let's find out.


Solve all problems. Give the Left all power. - It's worth a try, but we'll have to find a way to take it away from Harry Reid and the rest of the Democrats first. And we're out of the halftime gate like a shot with one more point!

Stamp out liberty. It's unfair. - No, unfairness is unfair. The Leadership Institute’s inability to distinguish between unfairness and liberty is not my problem, but it does keep me from getting a point.

Everything not compulsory must be prohibited - Who believes this? I’ll tell you who believes this. Nobody believes this. Seriously. You could actually construct a strawman of the worst socialist “liberal fascist” straight out of Jonah Goldberg’s nightmares, and that strawman would still look at this sentence and ask, “What the fuck are you smoking?”. No points.

Re-write history or stop teaching it. - If, by “history”, they mean the collection of white male exceptionalist myths that the Texas textbook industry has been fawning off on the school system for decades, then yes, I’ll take that point and use it to mark my place in _Guns, Germs, and Steel_. And if there’s one thing the Leadership Institute exudes, it’s white male exceptionalism. Plus one!

Keep campuses conservative-free zones - Not as a matter of policy. Can’t keep them con-free anyway, since they’re not con-free now. There will always be marketing departments and frat boys going for their MBAs. Let’s let natural social pressures take care of this the way it always has. No points again.

In the media, any conservatives are too many I don’t believe this at all. I think that in the new socialist utopia, we should keep Michael Savage around in a kennel and throw him a biscuit every time he insults Hillary Clinton. Again, no points. I’m starting to think their list isn’t actually representative of even extreme leftist beliefs.

No free speech for conservatives Not only am I willing to allow conservatives to speak, I just offered to pay them in Milk Bones for doing it. That’s not just free speech, that’s profitable free-market speech. Once again I am thwarted in my quest for points.

Only groups have rights - What, you mean like corporations? This is just getting ridiculous. How can I earn points towards being a proper socialist if the Leadership Institute imposes these standards that are completely alien to my culture? What’s next, an IQ test written by William Saletan*?

Give up your guns. We want you defenseless. In the case of the Leadership Institute, I think that’s wise because of their clearly demonstrated mental issues. Also, I’m feeling a bit point-starved right now, so I’ll pretend to feel much more strongly about guns than I actually do just to irritate them. ONE POINT.

Pay the union boss or we'll crack your skull - What the fuck, is this 1930? I’m in a union. Have been for over a decade. And nobody’s even come close to mentioning either skulls or the cracking thereof in any of my limited dealings with them. This may be because I live in the real world, and not a Heritage Foundation rewrite of “Norma Rae”. Maybe I can collectively bargain some more points.

Save the environment. Kill off all the people. - Not all the people. Just the Hummer drivers and rich assholes who, say, like to shoot clipped-wing quails in the face.

Destroy all non-government education - That’s just fucking projection, right there. You know, the left isn’t the side that’s actually run presidential candidates who have the elimination of an entire sector of education as part of their fucking platform. It’s like the Leadership Institute has stopped trying at this point.

Teachers unions -- more important than teaching kids - Goddammit. The only way I can even stretch this in such a way as to give myself a point is to accept the inherent flawed premise that there’s an innate trade-off between unionizing teachers and actual education. And that’s just fucking stupid.

When judges give us what we want, forget the laws and the Constitution - When judges give us what we want, they redefine laws and the Constitution. So yeah, we should probably forget the old version. Of course, this isn’t really a leftist belief, it’s just human nature, but that just means POINTS FOR EVERYBODY. Which is a fairly socialist belief in and of itself.

The Future Of America In The World

America causes all world problems - That’s not true. We’re much too lazy for that. We probably could cause all the world problems if we just applied ourselves, but we don’t, and thus, no points for me.

Eliminate patriotism - FUCK YES. Patriotism is a poor substitute for supporting your country because you’ve done the math and realized that in this particular case, they deserve support. Mmm. Precious point.

Bring on world government - There was a time, back when I read a lot more 60s science fiction, that I’d have thought this was a good idea, but I’d really hate to ruin the few national governments out there that are quite nice by diluting them with a bunch of other corrupt assholes. I have a feeling I won’t be finishing strong on the point front.

Next time, Marxist-Leninists will get it right - Yeah, sure. All fifty of them are really gonna get another shot.

So that’s 18 more points today. 35 possible points total. Adding the nine points I got yesterday, I scored… 14. Fourteen out of thirty five. And I cheated on a couple of those. Turns out that at the Leadership Institute, a socialist is a lot like logic, honor, and dignity – they wouldn’t know one if it bit them on the ass.

*Another joke for you lefty blog readers