October Surprise

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Memo to Disney: YOU BOUGHT WHAT?

Oh, we're talking about this today. It's not even a dumb thing. I don't care. It's important, and it's all I've thought about, and if you think there's more important stuff going on, IT'S FUCKING DEBATABLE.

Think about it. A hurricane is bad, yes. The biggest hurricane ever is worse. New York City got flooded. But they'll fix some of it in a few days, some of it in a few weeks, and some in a few months. And thanks to a general lack of Republicans in the White House and New York, we're not facing a Katrina-style debacle, either.

Even a Romney presidency will only last, tops, eight years. Plus the lingering effects of the Supreme Court picks, so a couple of decades, tops.

But for our entire nerd lives, three and a half decades, for good or for ill, George Lucas has owned Star Wars. And now he doesn't. Disney does. Probably either forever, or until the collapse of civilization, whichever comes first. Pop culture turned inside out yesterday afternoon, with no warning. NO WARNING.

That's fucking rude, frankly. It's like your divorced parents marrying new people by eloping to Vegas and leaving you with a couiple of DVDs and some Lunchables in the fridge. I expect the common courtesy of a "in talks to buy" leaked story a couple of weeks before the sale at the very least. This was a better kept secret than the last 20 minutes of Cabin In The Woods.

And then, on top of that, the ultimate mindfuck. Episode VII in 2015. What in the ever loving fuck is THAT going to be? Can we even be excited about a new Star Wars movie, since the last four times that's happened it's gotten worse and worse?

On one hand, it's not like Disney can "ruin" Star Wars. That sail barge has done what all sail barges do. SAILED. What's Disney gonna do? Overmerchandise it? Turn it into theme park rides? Dilute the brand with shitty games, sequels, and TV spin-offs? Star Wars has no virgin holes for Disney to stick its mouse dick into. It will simply be... different.

And apparently Disney didn't get the old movies in the deal, so any thoughts of Diamond Edition Blu-Rays of the theatrical editions are out of the question. But technically, George Lucas works for Disney now, so they could always call on him to do commentary on a Song Of The South Blu-Ray, and have him explain that if you think the crows are racist, it's really you who are racist.

The weirdest thing? Four billion dollars. I mean, it's a lot by piggy-bank standards, and I suppose the old movies aren't included, but still, you'd have thought Star Wars would be worth more than 7% of Apple. I mean, if I knew you could buy Star Wars for four billion dollars, I might have gotten a Kickstarter going.

Also, what the fuck is Disney turning into? They already owned Disney, then they owned Pixar, then they owned Marvel, and now they own Star Wars? What's left? Farmville, Angry Birds, and The Goonies are pretty much the only characters left for them to acquire before they become the intellectual property equivalent of Akira.

And if you don't think that's more important than Mitt Romney lying about Jeep, then I don't really know you anymore.