Archive - 2012

January 11th

Plives? Plplease.

« January 2012 »

Memo to Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, and Rick Santorum: YOUR TURN!

They're all gonna get their fucking day in the sun, aren't they. The teabagger crowd, which is identical to the religious conservative crowd, which is identical to the Moral Majority crowd from decades past, is going to keep fixating on someone who says what they want to hear. And they'll shoot to the top of the polls, and the rest of us will hear what they say (which is what the Jesus-freaks want to hear) and we'll decide we don't want to hear it, and they'll slide back into whatever brown, frothy mixture they crawled out of. And right before they do, they'll fill the airwaves with such toxic bullshit that I can't resist giving them all the slots in a given week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"He maintains that he did not say 'black' people’s lives but rather stumbled verbally when he was trying to say 'people’s lives' and uttered a short syllable that came out as 'plives.'" - The New York Times, reporting Rick Santorum's latest "I didn't say 'black', I never say 'black', I'd much rather make up a word like 'plives' or 'pontifigurd' than ever say black black blackity black black" spin to explain that time he said all black people were on welfare.

What's interesting to me here is not whether Rick Santorum actually said "plives", not "black". Even in the unlikely event he actually did say "plives", the motherfucker was thinking "black", as we discussed with Newt Gingrich on Monday, who came right out and said the exact same thing, and said "black" clearly and repeatedly.

No, what's interesting about the "plives" excuse is that, well, I've followed this story a bit, and there's no way in hell, a week later, that Santorum would be using this "plives" excuse if his staff hadn't been trawling through various comment threads on this news story, culling the finest right-wing apologia explanations for what Santorum said, and picking the one they liked the best. Remember, this is Santorum's third explanation for what came out of his mouth - the first was "I said 'black' because I just saw 'Waiting For Superman' which is all about black people", "I looked at the tape, and I said bl-something and changed it", and "I totally said 'plives'." The "plives" excuse was one right-wing commenters seemed to coalesce around in the days following the flub, because it's a pretty decent post-hoc explanation to have around — and this is key — if you're desperately looking for one.

"They’re a — they’re a theocracy. They’re a theocracy that has deeply embedded beliefs that — that the afterlife is better than this life. President Ahmadinejad has repeatedly said the principle virtue of the Islamic Republic of Iran is martyrdom. So when your principle virtue is to die for your — for Allah, then it’s not a deterrent to have a nuclear threat, if they would use a nuclear weapon. It is, in fact, an encouragement for them to use their nuclear weapon. And that’s why there’s a difference between the Soviet Union and China and others and Iran." - Rick Santorum, in one debate or another, explaining why we have to bomb Iran.

Let's unpack this a little. Iranians are Muslims. Muslims believe that the afterlife is better than this life. Therefore they're all wannabe martyrs, so if they get a nuclear weapon, they'll totally use it right away, because they'll be happy to die in the retaliatory strike. That's why we have to bomb them, because they don't fear their own death.

At least I know now why Santorum is so eager to bomb Iran, regardless of the consequences. I mean, he has a deeply embedded belief that the afterlife is better than this life, and comes from a background whose principle virtue, as embodied by their messianic god-figure, is martyrdom. Dying for other people's sins. And when your principle virtue is martyrdom, then it's not a deterrent to start another war in the Middle East. You know, like how Santorum's complete lack of intellect isn't a deterrent to him thinking that bombing Iran wouldn't start a war. Which he actually said, because he's a vile little dipshit.

"And so why have we decided that this one particular factor, carbon dioxide, is in fact that tip of the tail that wags the entire dog. Why from a scientific point of view do we make the assertion that this is in fact what is the case when there is a whole lot of other factors out there that could be affecting it?" - Rick Santorum, at a New Hampshire town hall.

Carbon dioxide traps heat.

Carbon dioxide isn't the ONLY gas that traps heat, Methane, for example - a common byproduct of bullshit - traps heat. Other gases trap heat. But carbon dioxide TRAPS MOTHERFUCKING HEAT. And we make a lot of carbon dioxide. So we're trapping more heat. Why is the surface of Venus so hot? Gases trap heat. You know what gas makes up the vast majority of Venus' atmosphere? CARBON DIOXIDE. Which traps heat. We're putting more CO2 into the air every year, and it's getting warmer every year.

I mean, even at the basic, simplistic level Rick Santorum's mind operates, this would at the bare minimum indicate that carbon dioxide would be the thing to be investigating. Sure, you can guess that there are a whole lot of other factors, although really there aren't - just wingnut and coal industry obfuscation mostly around sunspots - but even so, you start with the big obvious thing, which is carbon dioxide, because CARBON DIOXIDE TRAPS HEAT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

I swear, Santorum couldn't be more willing to kill us all through sheer greed and ignorance if he were part of a religion that believed the afterlife was better than life on Earth.