Archive - 2012

January 13th

Unemployment Hurts Everybody

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Memo to Pat Buchanan, Ben Stein, and Jefferies brokerage execs: TIMES ARE TOUGH ALL OVER.

We all know the economy's still in the shitter. We've known it for years. But I don't think we know just how bad it actually is. I mean, sure, it's affected our friends, our families, and our co-workers. But now it's starting to hurt the people that matter. Unemployment amongst the ranks of the truly important people is the umbrella under which SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY huddles and waits for the storm to abate.

Many left-leaning websites, including yours truly, have been wondering for years now why the fuck MSNBC kept giving Pat Buchanan a steady paycheck. This is because Pat Buchanan is an unrepentant white supremacist, unfit for commentary on any network, especially the ostensibly left-leaning MSNBC. Well, it looks like Patty Patty Buch Buch is finally persona non grata in the land of leaning forward.

Reports have recently surfaced that MSNBC didn't have Buchanan on while Buchanan was promoting his book "Suicide of a Superpower", which posits that America is committing suicide because, among other things, white people aren't having as many babies as brown people. And that they're probably not going to bother having him back, because, among other things, he thinks it's a bad thing that white people aren't having as many babies as brown people. It is, as they say, about fucking time and a half. Of course, Buchanan has a whole other explanation for the situation.

"Look, for a long period of time the hard left, militant gay rights groups, militant — they call themselves civil rights groups, but I’m not sure they’re concerned about civil rights — people of color, Van Jones, these folks and others have been out to get Pat Buchanan off T.V., deny him speeches, get his column canceled. This has been done for years and years and years and it’s the usual suspects doing the same thing again. But my view is, you write what you believe to be the truth." - Buchanan, speaking to fellow traveler Sean Hannity.

Yes, Pat. Van Jones, the man who lost his job because of a smear campaign about things he didn't say, is behind a campaign to get you fired for things you DID say. Even if that were likely, other than lizard-brain reflex to the name "Van Jones", how is that actually a bad thing? Still, good to know you have the courage of your convictions. Your vile, vile convictions.

Speaking of suffering for their convictions, Ben Stein? Stein? Anyone?

Everyone's favorite C-list C-ist celebrity planned to do what really famous people do - commercials in Japan. For printer-maker Kyocera. Anyway, Stein lost out on the gig after Kyocera, who are apparently fairly concerned with environmental issues, learned that Ben Stein doesn't believe in global warming. In fact, when they asked him for clarification, he told them he believes that "God controls the weather".

So Stein is suing them. Even though there was no signed contract, because that's what free market fundamentalists do when they don't get their way. Maybe we DO need tort reform, after all. He's alleging religious discrimination, infringement of his right to express his political beliefs, and "emotional distress" because his replacement was dressed, I shit you not, "in an astonishingly brazen misappropriation of Ben Stein's persona, dressed him up as Stein often appeared in commercials (bow tie, glasses, sports jacket)."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a bow tie, glasses, and sports jacket now constitute a misappropriation of Ben Stein's persona! I can only assume that lawsuits against George Will, and Orville Redenbacher are warming up in the bullpen. Of course, if he's really worried about people misappropriating his persona, he should really be going after all those creationist global warming deniers who are running for president.

But don't cry yourself dry for Ben. Save a few tears for the brokerage executives at the Jefferies Group, who recently threatened to quit en masse if their bonuses weren't up to their expectations.

Guys? On behalf of public employees everywhere, not to mention the Chinese Foxconn workers who threatened mass suicide if their employer didn't live up to agreed-upon payments, let me just say this, with as wide a shit-eating grin and as much schadenfreude relish as I can muster.

Just be thankful you HAVE A JOB.

I'm glad to see you're finally joining us on our race to the bottom, assholes. Now stop dragging your feet and shut the fuck up.