Archive - 2007

December 18th

Sitting In A Tree, F-I-B-B-I-N-G

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Memo to the media: YOU ARE DUMB.

Well, it looks like two of my least favorite politicians ever have finally had their electoral meet-cute. Joystick Joe and the Fake Maverick have suddenly discovered that the long strands of spaghetti they were slurping are actually one singular pasta. They were sucking individually, but now they can suck together.

It's a great story, as long as you ignore every fact of the past four years and rely solely on the official image the people involved want to project. Which is, not coincidentally, precisely what the media is good at. Enjoy these chunks of stupidity from the coverage of Lieberman's endorsement:

"Sen. Joe Lieberman is crossing party lines and endorsing Republican Sen. John McCain for president." -, lead sentence. "Sen. John McCain, trying to keep momentum in a critical Republican primary race here, brought in something unusual on Monday — an endorsement from the other party." - Associated Press.

No. Joe Lieberman is not a Democrat. He hasn't been one philosophically for a long time, and he hasn't been one officially for over a year. Yes, as every fucking story points out, he "caucuses with the Democrats", which just means he stood next to them for the five minutes necessary to give them control of all the committees until 2009. In exchange for which they gave him one of the committees, because all politicians are goddamned whores.

But endorsing McCain isn't crossing party lines, and even if it was, it wouldn't be from "the other party". Which, I might add, is a fascinating use of the definite article by the AP. Technically incorrect, in that other parties exist (Green, Libertarian, Connecticut For Lieberman), yet still indicative of a powerful truth (anyone not a Republican must be a Democrat of some sort).

"Lieberman acknowledged he does not always see eye-to-eye with his 2008 pick. But, said Lieberman, McCain is always straightforward about where he stands." - Guardian Unlimited

The Guardian makes the traditional mistake of letting a ridiculous lie go unchallenged because, having put quote marks around it and an attribution in front of it, they were done. And anyway, it was time for tea and they wanted to check the halftime footy scores.

John McCain is not straightforward about where he stands. John McCain's IMAGE is. That his image manages to stay resolutely maverick while the actual man lies constantly is an astonishing feat. Its a damn shame that while we all vote for the image, it's the asshole meat-puppet behind it who ends up taking office.

"The adviser, who spoke on the condition of anonymity in advance of the formal announcement, said Lieberman would continue to caucus with Senate Democrats, and said his decision was not a reflection of any lingering tension with his old party after high-profile Democrats abandoned him when he lost the Democratic primary during his 2006 Senate re-election campaign." - Seattle Times Campaign Notebook.

At the risk of channeling my inner Greenwald, why the FUCK is Lieberman's flack being granted anonymity? He wasn't actually leaking anything sensitive or dangerous. He was just part of the pre-announcement announcement, where the news "breaks" before the balding douchebags we let be in charge of stuff actually stand in front of a microphone and start to gum-slapping. Also, no lingering tension LIKE FUCK. Look at any interview Lieberman gave yesterday. The man could keep an analyst in boats for decades with his lingering issues.

When he comes right out and tells everyone that he gave McCain his endorsement because nobody else asked him to, you know someone's feeling like the ugly eunuch at the orgy.

"McCain Gaining Unlikely Backer" - Washington Times headline

This one just kills me. McCain and Lieberman are many things as a pair, but unlikely? Not fucking one of them. They've been in lockstep about Iraq since day one. Fuck, they both have lied about their support for the war in the exact same way, both tell us every few months that we're doing really well and just have to keep it up. The only difference between them is that McCain spent year in a box in Vietnam, and Joe Lieberman wouldn't want stores to sell a video game about being in a box in Vietnam. They DESERVE each other, even though none of us deserve either of them.