Archive - 2007

December 26th

How Far-Left Are Your Roots (Part One)

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Memo to the LeadershipInstitute: OK, I'M GAME.

The other day, I stumbled across a fascinating list. You see, it seems the Leadership Institute, one of the cogs in the conservative vat-growing frat-boy cloning machine, has compiled a little list. It's a list of sections in their documentary, "The Roots Of The Hard Left", and it's chock full of things they say that "socialists really think" about various subjects. It's a great list, and I thought I'd help the Leadership Institute people out. As one of the closest things they'll find to an actual, breathing socialist, I thought I'd turn their list into a quiz and see how well I did.

So here's how it goes. I'll list what they say socialists believe, and if I actually do believe it, I'll give myself a point. If not, no point. And then we'll see how I score. Feel free to play along at home and see how dark red your hard-left roots are.


Profit Comes From Evil Greed - One point for me! I'm not quite willing to state a causal relationship in either direction, but there certainly is a strong correlation between profit and evil greed. I'm on my way to a socialist paradise!

Socialists must get all your property - This is a tricky one. If I -am- a socialist, then I'd be getting the property of non-socialists, and I'd come out ahead. If I'm NOT a socialist, then I'd end up giving up all my stuff. Very sneaky of them to put this early in a quiz they didn't know I was making out of their stuff. Good thing the concept is ridiculous on the face of it, or I'd have a tough time deciding. Zero points.

Tax all income at 100% - That doesn't make any sense. If you tax income at 100%, there's no point to even having income. You just create a bureaucracy dedicated to the generation of meaningless pay stubs. And, since I don't work for H&R Block's tax prep department, I don't see an upside for me. Zero points. I hope the questions get better soon. I'm starting to feel like a bad socialist.

Support big government. No new tax cuts. Hooray! Something I can get behind fully, knowing in my heart of hearts what the Leaderdipshits define as "tax cuts". Plus one for me and Karl Marx!

Only government creates wealth - Well, they do print all the moneys. But Nintendo has made some wealth too, and one counter-example disproves an only, so I'm afraid, as a strict adherent to logic, that I must deny myself a point.

Bureaucrats spend your money better than you do - Given fifty bucks, I would spend it, most likely, on a Wii game. A bureaucrat would spend that same fifty bucks on paper clips. Which of the two contribute more to society? I'm afraid it's a draw. Ergo, bureaucrats spend money just as well as I do. No points.

To elect more socialists, destroy the economy - This is sort of true, really. Socialists (at least as defined by the Jerkwad Institute) come to power in times of economic crisis - but the economic crisis wasn't caused by socialists. It was caused by the free-market excesses of the previous stewards. We'll call it a point for me, and then make an off-hand reference to the subprime mortgage crisis.

Government jobs good; private employers bad - One look at my employment history and I'm one point closer to the strawman dressed like Karl Marx.

"Something for nothing" fools almost everyone - I'm sorry, who was it that was bringing up tax cuts again? This is patently true, and while it certainly seems like "fooling people into thinking they're getting something for nothing" is actually the bailiwick of unrestricted free-market capitalism and cause for another mention of the subprime mortgage crisis, under the terms and conditions, that's one more point for me.

Why work when you can loot those who do? - As a nerd, I tend to think of this question as "why seed, when you can leech?" This question has two answers - the first is that the system breaks if you do, and the second is that sometimes there are restrictions and punishments in place preventing it. On the other hand, on those occasions when it is both possible and feasible, it's actually quite nice. Call it a draw and award no points.

Socialism has never been tried - Yeah, and Bush isn't a true conservative, either. No points.

Family And American Culture

Traditional morality is always bad - Another one that requires some interpretation. Traditional morality isn't always bad, but it's always true that traditional morality isn't good because it's traditional. Given how these mental midgets define terms and "reason", I'd have to say that my caveat would be enough for them to give me the point, and therefore I will take it.

Do what feels good now. Make taxpayers pay the bill - The first is a result of personal philosophy and the second is a consequence of where I work, but I cannot deny that this is how I actually live my life. ONE MORE POINT!

Break all family ties - For this, I'm going to make the arbitrary decision that they are referring to DVD box sets of the Michael Gross series from the 80s. You may call it the Michael J. Fox series from the 80s, but as Tremors is a better movie than Doc Hollywood, I say otherwise. And yes, they should all be broken. Sure, it's a bit Stalinist of me, but the show sucked. One more point.

Make God illegal - That's just silly. I might as well make unicorns, vorpal swords, and compassionate conservatism illegal. So they must be talking about belief in non-existent concepts, which, while it should be discouraged through social pressure, shouldn't actually be outlawed. No points.

Masculine is bad; feminine is also bad - No. Genital-shape determinism is bad, of course. Macho assholery is bad. Andelin-styled gender roles are bad. _The Rules_ is bad. But as a rule, the overall butchness of you and yours is not my concern. No points.

Kill it. Why give your baby to a moral couple? Because the moral couple will send it to the Leadership Institute, where it will learn to be a College Republican and a K-Street lobbyist, a fate worse than death. ONE POINT.

At the halfway mark, out of seventeen possible points, I scored nine, which puts me at just over half a Karl Marx. Which would be a Kama. Which is half of a Kama Sutra. So on what I am calling the Leadership Institute test, I scored .25 Kama Sutras, or 16 sexual positions. Let's hope, for all our sakes, that I do better tomorrow.