Archive - Jul 9, 2007

Nonconsensual Reality

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Memo to Bill O'Reilly: STOP LYING.

Hm. That's not the most accurate command I've ever issued from the top line. I mean, yes, I'm upset that Bill O'Reilly's lying, but it's more accurate to say that I'm upset that what Bill O'Reilly said turned out not to be true.

We all know that the right wing in general, and Bill O'Reilly in particular, love to just make shit up and say it to each other. This builds up a fake network of internally consistent citations. O'Reilly can cite Drudge, Drudge can cite Malkin, and Malkin can cite O'Reilly, and like the man that goes back in time and impregnates his own mother, the genesis of the original seed becomes an ineffable mystery.

It's horrible propaganada, cancer on our society, perpetuated by a lazy corporate media that's forgotten the basic tenets of journalism blah blah blah. But there's one thing you've got to admit. When it comes to turning the Left into a viable threat, they've got some INCREDIBLE ideas.For example, as I've often said, I wish sometimes the Left really were a bunch of secular heathen atheists openly hostile to even private expressions of religion conducted by individuals in homes and/or completely apolitical houses of communal worship. Not necessarily because I think we SHOULD be that hostile, but if they're gonna be scared of us for that anyway, it'd be nice if we actually had the power and the drive to actually BE threatening.

Similarly, while I don't actively support roving gangs of hundreds of lesbians, carrying around pink pistols, raping people, and forcibly converting them to homosexuality, I want to live in a world where that happens. Because it's so much more fucking INTERESTING than the threats we actually do face. And it's easier to see coming. There's a reason ninjas don't wear pink, you know.

Alas, our world is boring and dull, and we continue to be threatened by straight old white men in suits who are crazy, stupid, and yet constantly turned to for advice. If they even HAVE pink pistols, they keep them safely tucked away out of sight of the general populace.

But that didn't stop Bill O'Reilly, who, if certain credible allegations are to be believed, masturbates constantly with a collection of vibrators, from devoting an entire segment of his show to the non-existent Lesbian Gang Threat. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"In Tennessee, authorities say a lesbian gang called GTO, Gays Taking Over, are involved in raping young girls. And in Philadelphia, a lesbian gang called DTO, Dykes Taking Over, are allegedly terrorizing people as well." Bill O'Reilly, June 21. I love that Bill O is so fucking nuts that something like this can go two weeks without people noticing.

Anyway, a couple of blogs have gone ahead and investigated, which, for O'Reilly's benefit, is when you find out if things are true before you say them. I'm glad they did, but they may have wasted their time. Like Phoenix Wright, I've spotted an important contradition in Captain Falafel's testimony. One group, Dykes Taking Over, is inherently lesbian-only. The other group apparently wouldn't mind who takes over, as long as they're Gay.

Yet, according to Bill, the more inclusive group is in Tennessee, the less inclusive group is in Philadelphia. Since this flies in the face of all known reality, so must O'Reilly's story. There are no pink-pistoled handguns, no gays or dykes actually taking over, no gunpoint, and presumably toaster-free, lesbian conversions.

And once again, liberals are left with the short end fo the stick. Not only do we have to live with the complete lack of pistol-packing women in sensible shoes, we have to deal with the fact that the Crazy Third will, forevermore, believe the lesbian gangs are waiting to jump them in the Wal-Mart parking lot, which means a bunch of short-haired male Indigo Girls fans are going to get hassled by store security if they crank their stereo too loud.

In other words, just like in his phone conversations, Bill O'Reilly leaves nobody happy except himself.