Archive - Jul 5, 2007


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Memo to the Howard Center: STILL DUMB.

Let's face it. Nothing happens on a holiday. Unless you count Al Gore's son getting busted for drugs after getting pulled over for going 100 mph in a Toyota Prius. Gore's going to get mocked for it, but personally, I think Al Gore III.'s doing his bit to fight global warming. Because I'm guessing most people didn't realize you could actually get one of those things up to 100. That'll boost sales.

But since I already achieved the apex of same-named relatives of politicians getting busted comedy almost a year ago, I don't feel the need to revisit it.

I do, however, feel the need to revisit my friends at the Howard Foundation. As many of you know, ever since I wrote about the Natural Family Manifesto, I've gotten regular e-mail fearscreeds from them trying to convince me of what the real problems are with society today. Usually, their list of societal ills includes single moms, gay people, single moms, gay people, and gay single moms. But they've been branching out a bit. So here, courtesy of the Howard Center, are what you should be worried about.

THE BOOBS OF WORKING WOMEN. On the list of subject lines I never, ever want to see again from right-wing nutjob organizations, "Breast Is Still Best" ranks near the top. Yet there it is, sitting there, making me think of old white dudes beating off to La Leche League pamphlets. Sure, all the e-mail said was that working women don't breastfeed enough, with the implication that working women are EVIL INCARNATE, but it's not as big an extrapolation on my part as you'd think.

I know the breastfeeding guilt trip started from a good place. It's like the slow food movement for babies. Reject corporate processed formula, and only let your baby suck on tits within fifty miles of your home. But like the slow food movement, that's a deliberate choice for crazy people to make when they think there isn't enough hassle in their lives.

You want to bitch about working moms not breastfeeding as much as you like? Fine. Provide me with a detailed inventory of everything YOU put into YOUR pie-hole on your last five work-days. If it meets with my nutritional approval, then you earn your right to complain. I see one frappe or fast food burger on that list, though, and you can go screw yourself.

TATTOOS. If you want any further proof that the Howards are stuck in a pre-sexual-revolution mentality, they actually sent out a warning about increasing tattoo acceptance called, I shit you not, "MARKED FOR TROUBLE". Anyone with their head not up their own ass would know that sounds just like a parody of a fifties "educational film", but the Howards tell us, with all seriousness, that... ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"These differences indicate a much higher prevalence of "risk-taking behaviors" among those with tattoos and body piercings than among those without. This risk-taking often shreds traditional standards of chastity or continence."

So beware, parents! If your teen has a tattoo and a body piercing, odds are that they may be having sex and, um, peeing themselves, in deliberate defiance of traditional moral standards! This can lead to many things, including, depending on where they're pierced, rusting.

THE HOWARD CENTER LOSING IN COURT. What's bad for the Howard Center is bad for America. Ergo, the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals is bad for America. You see, apparently, in 2002, some people working for the Oakland city government asked for permission to distribute some "natural family" propaganda over the city e-mail system. Here's how the Howards explained the result:

"Even though homosexual employees were allowed to use the system to promote a gay pride rally and similar events, administrators rejected the Christian flyer as 'homophobic,' 'disruptive,' and intended to 'create a hostile environment.'" I love how far they'll stretch to create the impression of a double-standard. The last time I checked, gay pride rallies weren't homophobic. Since the rally wasn't taking place in the city's cubical farms, it could be neither disruptive, nor indicative of a hostile work environment, except maybe to people who hate gays.

There was a lawsuit. The bigots lost. The Howard Family, for whom the phrase "natural family" is both bread and butter, would like you to think that the court decision means that the words "natural family" by themselves have been declared "hate speech". Which is crazy. It's only hate speech the way THEY USE IT. Which is with hatred towards anything outside the one-man-one-woman procreative sex every ten or so months paradigm. And apparently anything with tattoo-induced incontinence that doesn't lactate enough.