Archive - Jul 10, 2007

More Than Meets The J

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Memo to Dare2Share: WOW.

A couple of weeks back, I took a look at the mighty force for teen religious conversion, Dare2Share, and their handy tips for how to bring Andy The Atheist over to the side of Jesus.

But there's more to Dare2Share than getting kids ritually murdered, or at least, beaten up. Sure, it's funny that they think it's a great idea to go up to "Sid the Satanist" and "...approach him with an incredible amount of love and patience. One way you can show this is to see past the 'shock value' lifestyle of Sid to the hurting and trapped individual underneath." I know I'd be curious to see how much "love and patience" you can actually present to a Satanist before they haul off and deck you one.

But relying on broad, inaccurate stereotypes of various belief systems is only ONE way Dare2Share can turn a Christian teen's life into an awkward, embarrassing hell. They have a whole section devoted to turning varioius pop culture and current event phenomena into opportunities for witnessing and conversion.

For example, let's say that, over the holiday, you went to see a movie in which a robot that turns into a truck beats the living shit out of a robot that turns into a helicopter. After the holiday, you return to school. Now, you COULD talk about how cool the effects in the movie were, but that wouldn't bring your friends any closer to Jesus. So instead, Dare2Share suggests... ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Ask your friends if they think it's harder to transform the inside or the outside of who you are? Describe how your relationship with Jesus has transformed you! Transformers can be more than a fun summer diversion. Use it to open doors and talk with your friends about the real transformation that comes from knowing Jesus!

Kids, if you're reading this, NEVER DO THIS. You never want to be that guy. That guy who only knows one thing, and in every conversation, tries to turn it over to that thing so that he has something to say. I don't care if that thing is Jesus or model trains. A wedgie is not God's way of testing you, it's the universe's way of telling you to shut the hell up.

But wait, you ask. What if you don't go to see movies? What if all you have access to is, say, CNN, and the non-stop coverage of a wealthy, slutty heiress and her 45-day stint in jail for a DUI? Have no fear, Dare2Share is here to make your next current events discussion really, really awkward:

"We all deserve a guilty verdict in the spiritual realm, since we all fall short of God's standard of perfect holiness. The Good News is that Jesus has served our sentence for us and set us free to share that truth with others!"

You see those people backing away from you slowly? Those are the people you just said are no better, in God's eyes, than a skanky whore. Even ignoring the theology, this is the conversational equivalent of kicking down a bathroom stall door, handing the occupant a Chick Tract, and telling them you thought they might like a little something to read while they were in there. You're not going to win any converts that way. Trust me.

And while I'm here, let me mention that you won't win any converts by mentioning that the new Linkin Park song has the word "mercy" in it. Or by mentioning that Jesus can do for their spirit what that can of Red Bull just did to their eyeballs. Or that the Boston Aqua Teen bomb scare is a perfect metaphor for human sin. Or that Jesus can help YOU fight darkness just like the Order of the Phoenix did.

I know what you're thinking right now, but no. I didn't make any of these up. These are all actual articles, and the points presented are merely distilled for brevity. I can only assume that since the abstinence pledge thing isn't working for shit, Dare2Share is ensuring that Christian teens remain pure by making it completely fucking impossible for another person to come within ten feet of them. GENIUS.