Archive - Mar 2007

March 30th

Out Like A Monkey

« March 2007 »

Ah, spring. When a young monkey's heart turns to... actually, let's not think about what young monkeys' hearts turn to, and just jump right in to SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY. Friday's got a red butt!

And it's the end of March, so it's time for me to once again remind everyone at the spout end of the Internet tubes that the Internet lies to you, because it thinks that's funny. Your best bet is to ignore the Internet entirely on Sunday, but barring that, just assume that everything you see, whether it's new product announcements, the weather, or the headlines on Fox News, is a huge fucking lie typed up by someone who thinks they're a lot funnier than they actually are.

Just meet the entire information superhighway with stony silence. I don't want to see a single fucking poster this year saying "Man, it's April Fool's Day, so this is probably a hoax, but maybe it's true!" No, it's not true. Bush isn't resigning, the iPhone will not be free to everyone with a MySpace account, and the surge is not working.

A quick memo to my nemeses at the Howard Center: FUCK YOU. As regular readers of the column know, I regularly get e-mails from "natural family" proponents the Howard Center. They also go by World Congress of Families, which I don't usually mention because Howard Center is faster to type. But their latest e-mail screed really pissed me off, because the subject line read thusly:


Way to make me feel like the proverbial chopped liver, fuckers. I took notice of you years ago. The actual subject of the e-mail is some primo "they're afraid of us" boasting because some people have noticed they're having their huge annual meeting in Poland this year. The e-mail asks: "Feminists, militant secularists and the vanguard of the sexual revolution agree that the World Congress of Families is a threat to their agenda."

Their evidence for this are two articles noting that (a) they're having a meeting, and (b) they're bugfuck. I don't know if that counts as agreeing that they're a threat, except in the same way that having two dozen puppies in your living room is a threat to your upholstery agenda.

For those of you keeping track of the Katherine Kersten Banality Index, this week saw an increase of nearly six percent in average Kersten banality. This week, she wrote two more columns on the "Flying Imams". I can only assume that the obsession with a minor incident from last year is her equivalent of holding her hands over her ears and yelling "BLAH BLAH BLAH I CAN'T HEAR YOU" at all the actual things happening in the world these days. And I can't blame her for that.

I can, however, blame her for the ludicrous, outdated reference she pulled in Monday's column, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"But the real bull in the imams' china shop is right here in Minnesota. Like some legal equivalent of Hulk Hogan, Gerry Nolting of Minneapolis law firm Faegre & Benson, came storming out of his corner last week."

If Kersten mixes drinks the way she mixes metaphors, she must spend every evening vomiting in her backyard. Boxers come storming out of their corners, not elderly orange retired wrestlers with more reality shows than working knees. And there's a bull in the ring? And the ring's in a china shop? Either Kersten is an awful, awful writer, or I need to spend a lot more time hanging out in the law offices of Faegre, Benson, Toro, and Hulkster. If it's like that normally, the place must be COMPLETELY insane when casual Friday rolls around.